House of Quality - JENNA (Platonically, I'm Yours...)

This must've been the nth time that Jenna tried closing her eyes hoping that slumber would soon come; so far she's failing. 'It could be the weather,' she thought. Every afternoon is a struggle to keep cool as the air (taking into consideration the air conditioning unit that needs cleaning) becomes too humid. Nonetheless, was it really the air that's keeping her thoughts wide awake? She would be lying if she would believe that.

"You will never be replaced..." these words reverberated silently on her mind. It was meant to be a joke but she wanted to really believe that Jared meant it.

They just got back to speaking terms again a few weeks ago. It was last Christmas when they had their "falling apart" phase. It lasted for two months mainly because they both have pride; no one would bulge in to break the silence. Best Friends' falling apart should've been nothing because everyone knew it won't last and could be just a silly thing. Though for Jenna and Jared, it's far more complicated than that. Platonically, it's just too complex.  She's big on expectation setting; he's always failing on that department. He's far more emotional than any other guy; she's not very consistent on showing her real emotions. Sometimes, she wonders what would happen if she just stops thinking; stops analysing and just let it all go? Would it cause her happiness or would it bring more pain?

Right now, that very thought is haunting her. "It wasn't the weather," she admitted, "It was the ‘what ifs.’"

 

There was a time when she almost gave in and thought of letting it all go – seize the day! She was on the brink of telling him everything she wanted him to know but with their falling apart comes the vulnerability of each other’s emotional capacity. For Jenna, it’s him who was weak. 

Elise had asked her, one fine Saturday morning; typical bonding time in the House of Quality, “What is it with Jared and Lhorie?” Lhorie is a mutual friend, a colleague. She has been with the group for few months already; though she’s always the type who would choose to be in the backseat – almost the shy type, as they’d say. However, for the past few weeks that Jenna’s been transferred to a different site, she’d hear stories about Lhorie shedding the façade. It was told that she’s actually the complete opposite of what she’s displaying. She would go with any guy, who showed interest, bed them and move on. Elise’s question roused suspicion. 

“Why?” she asked.

“I dunno. They seem too close for comfort. Lhorie’s always with him. She would always change her schedule so they can have lunch together, go home together. She cooked packed lunch for him.”

“I don’t really know, Elise. I didn’t even want to talk to him, remember?”

That one innocent question made her doubt all of Jared’s intentions back when they were still “too close for comfort.” Was the friendship real or he just used it to manipulate her trusty heart? Is the phrase “more than friends, less than lovers’ still suit? Or was he really just an opportunist? Does that mean they’d never been good as friends as he’s always had an agenda?

"You will never be replaced..."

 

What does that mean?

She needs to move on; she knows she needs to move on. She needs to close this chapter in her life and start living it as she should be. She couldn’t just wait for the moment when he realized that she does mean something to him. 

She picked up her blackberry, thought about the one thing that she wanted to ask him months ago. If her closure would start with acceptance, then so be it. She needed to let go of all the ambiguities before she could start moving on.

‘Jared, I need to clear out something… free to talk tonight?’

She hit send and waited for his reply.

Fallen

She stares at her reflection, 

Cannot find the right words.
Thoughts linger in her head, 

Her eyes stay frozen.

She tries to mouth the words.
Inaudible, yes! A sweet agony.
She opens her lips to scream,
Silence, yes! it's deafening.

She waits in silence for a savior,
She prays to God for a miracle.
She hangs on to her faith,
Only to hope in vain.

The lies around her never waiver,
She's boxed in a closed coffin.
Her passion is useless,
She's already broken.
 

The lies disguised as her perfect life!

originally composed Feb 2006

House Of Quality - ZEN (Party Until He Drops)

It's a fine evening in one of Manila's busiest red light districts. Best friends Jasper and Zen strode Napkil St. in Ermita trying to figure out the next bar to hit. It's already half past 3am and the two buddies think the night is still young. Come to think of it, they've earned it. They've been too busy lately; barely even have time to stop and ponder on things that should matter to them.

Like Zen's relationship with his current boyfriend, Brandon. It's supposed to be "Bebe Day" today but he chose a night out with a friend. It's not that he doesn't love him anymore; it's just that he needed space. He remembered having a brief conversation before about moving in together but he didn't realize that to Brandon it's that soon.

"How about what I feel? What I want? Don't you want to consider that before you plan something?" He remembered yelling over the phone last Thursday when Brandon told him that he already found a place for them, rent and all - all covered.

"Earth to Zen!" Jasper was smiling, trying to wave both hands in front of his friend. He knew Zen had been feeling guilty since he had to resort to lying about his whereabouts and who is with him that night. Though, he also knew his friend needed time off and a night away from Brandon.

"I'm sorry, Jas. I think it's better if we call it a night." Zen answered. "I'm already tired and wasted." He looked at his phone; it says "5 missed calls." It's time to him to go back to the real world - back to Brandon's world.

House of Quality - JENNA (It's That Friendship Feeling)

Jenna sat quietly on the settee, stealing a glance at her blackberry phone. She silently cursed, "Fuck waiting." Last week's few moments of bliss were replaced by irrefutable sorrow. If only things aren't that complicated between her and Jared, she'd probably holding that phone and texting nonstop. But she can't and she won't. Could it be pride? Could it be fear of the truth? It could be both.

Ironically, sleep seemed to be very distant right now. She already accepted that fact few hours ago. She looked around the empty room and a DVD case caught her attention - Hachiko. Suddenly, all the memories she had been trying to shrug off were back; tempting her to grab that phone and call.

Hachiko started it all.  She was down, he was there. She felt vulnerable, he became her shield. She might have covered the real reason for her tears by telling everyone that the movie moved her; but Jared knew the truth. He was the only one who knew her. All the insecurities; all her grievances - everything.

"Jenna, aren't you sleeping yet?" Elise roused her thoughts. She sat down the stairs, staring at her friend's bewildered face. "He's not worth it," guessing the reason for that look, "he wouldn't stand up for you. He had his priorities straight and you're not part of it." She knew Jenna had already veered off course even if she wouldn't admit it.  Jared is Jenna's best friend. It was obvious that he shared the same feelings with her but what complicated things is he's already married.

"I'll be fine, Elise. I just miss his presence. This will pass. Besides, we already talked and set boundaries. We're just friends, honest." She looked past Elise when she responded, as if she wasn't really explaining but was convincing herself. Jenna had already figured it all out; she's smart after all. But one thing she didn't see coming: when it comes to love, no one is smart enough.

House Of Quality - Epilogue

“That wouldn’t be easy,” Kem pouted and put the coffee mug down with a bit of force. “How can I make sure he’s telling the truth? I couldn’t go spying on his whereabouts right? That’s pathetic.” Her perfectly manicured hands now holding the cup steadily.

Jenna exchanged subtle glances with Elise, Kaye and Zen, hiding the sly smile. They knew how stubborn Kem can be when it comes to love. “It is pathetic. Though, how sure are you that he’s not lying? How are you gonna quantify it?” she argued; chin lifted, that smile now forming on her lips. She knew she’s winning this side of the argument. 

“Don’t start analyzing it that way! Don’t put us being QAs into practice,” Kem retorted, “I won’t go back to him. I can do it.” She had hoped her lessons in romance every Sunday morning would put her doomed relationship into perspective, but she hadn’t counted on the intensity of her feelings for Mark.

Jenna looked across the room and nodded at Jasper, hiding the amused smile on her face. For a brief moment the room was filled with Side A’s ballad. She hummed a few bars, swaying to the tune, the words passing her lips in a soft song.

Kem shot her a look of disdain, left eyebrow up. "You're not doing that to me, Jenna!" she hollered.  "Turn that music off, Jas!" Her friends' laughter overpowered the aria, Kem knew exactly why they are mocking her... They knew her so well.

This is the typical Sunday morning in their house. It’s their time to catch up on everybody’s life, whether it’s love, work or family issues. Beer, Tequila, Vodka or MudShakes (that would depend on the budget of the moment) in the wee hours of the morning and coffee later to get the hangover off. This is their very own definition of “bonding time.” 

In this house... We do real. We do mistakes. We do second chances. We do fun. We do hugs. We do forgiveness. We do really loud. We do family. We do LOVE.

This is the House of Quality.

Not an ordinary fan story…

A Pearl of chocolate ice cream slid down the outside of my sundae dish as I stood in the midst of the bustling dining room of Carlton Café. I quickly rescued the dripping ice cream with my tongue. It’s a morning half past nine and I could hear a faint Christmas song over the radio at the counter. I scanned the room for a familiar face of my friend, Angela, but she was nowhere in sight.

The place was full of happy faces - children with their parents, couple alone at the corner, teenage girls feasting with the sight of a very handsome man at the counter. I felt like I’m the oldest person in this damned place.

                Outside the café, the snow had started to fall indicating that Christmas is in the air. I suddenly felt silly with the ice cream on my hand but I am so nervous and the only way to calm my nerves is through my favourite ice cream. I knew Angela would be here any moment.

A waiter is foolishly looking at me every once in a while. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest. I’ve been in this café long enough and I felt everyone was suspiciously eying on me. Angela was probably stuck with her ballet practice that she forgot she was supposed to tour me around Sligo so I could explore a little about Westlife’s hometown - well, three lads for that matter.

 This is dreadful being in this café and not knowing somebody. This town is so small that if you see an unfamiliar face, you’d turn up studying his appearance. And that is what’s happening to me.  I threw the dripping ice cream into the trash and hurried outside to the freezing street.

                Cars were lined up on the side of the street. There’s an elegant black BMW, a Mitsubishi Pajero jeep, Peugeot’s latest model and a beige Porsche, This country is amazing - well, you can’t see cars like that outside normal busy streets in the Manila. Except when you’re in places like Makati City - the business capital of the Philippines. How I wish my country were like this.

 The path was now covered with snow. The sky was a little dark. I looked up and felt the cold air on my face. I grabbed hold of my jacket and tried to relax my mind.

 I’ve been here for only a week but it seemed like eternity. Yes, it seemed like I’ve been walking along the streets of Ireland for almost a decade now. I gazed at my watch - it’s 5:30 p.m. in the Philippines. I felt silly having my watch set in my country’s time but I missed home. I feel so alone here. I feel so foreigner.

 “Good morning there, lady,” I turned around and saw a young lad in his gardai uniform. His patrol car parked at the corner of Castle Street where there was a no parking sign. This country is just like mine. Yes… just like the Philippines where those bloody policemen would try to make you follow rules when they themselves wont abide by their policies.

“Good morning. Is that your car? Maybe you should try to read the sign,” I felt a pang of guilt cos I know sounded real harsh. I‘m a bit irritated with my friend now. I continued walking, feeling the Christmas air in this foreign country.

Crossing the street, my mind drifted two weeks ago.

I was busy preparing my shopping list for the Christmas vacation when my boss told me I was assigned to go to Ireland to interview my niece’s favourite boy band… Westlife. At first I was really optimistic - going to another country just before Christmas would give me a chance to buy gifts that are not found in Manila’s shops, plus I get to have an early vacation for free, as a consequence I only would have to interview these pin-up lads - it sounded really interesting! But after I was told my scheduled interview was postponed for another week since Westlife is busy preparing for the Smash Hits Awards, I was forced to stay in this foreign land for Christmas. Good thing I got a really lovely friend called Angela who’s always there to show me around. Huh! Yet she’s still not showing up today.

My thoughts were interrupted when the red jeep sped up from the driveway of the café into the road and almost beating me to the side of the street. 

“What the fuck you think you’re doing?!” I screamed as the jeep stopped few meters away from me. I held a dirty finger out to the driver. All my irritations - to my boss, to Angela and to Westlife - suddenly erupted and the target to my fury? Ha! This damned reckless driver.

The driver got out of his jeep. He was wearing a black leather Diesel trousers and a black long-sleeved top. A fringe of dark brown hair showed beneath his blue woolly hat. He was about four inches taller than me with a perfectly chiseled body. My gaze went down to his faultlessly shaped bottom. I imagined caressing it with my hands… Fuck! What am I thinking?

He was now walking to my direction. His face… it was somehow familiar. He flashed me a million-watt mega-smile, I felt my knees get weak. I was about to return the smile when I was pinched back to reality. Raising an eyebrow, I welcomed him with a - “Damn you!” He halted and the smile started to fade. I can see awkwardness in his eyes. But I was furious and I needed to release it.

“Who do you think you are? Just because you have a very expensive car plus a very good-looking bum, you think you can go away like that? Huh?” I fumed.

Too late I can’t take back what I’ve said. I didn’t sound annoyed… I sounded funny. I closed my eyes and waited for Mr. Owner-of-the-world’s-most-amazing-bum to mock what I’ve said but instead I heard him say sorry.

In a very charming voice he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. Must’ve been so dizzy. Just got from a busy day.” His right hand went up to shrug the snow off my shoulder-length dark hair. “And besides, the traffic light just went green and you’re crossing the street. Don’t do that again, you could’ve gotten killed,” he said tenderly.

I fell silent as his hand slightly touched my forehead. I opened my eyes and worked my mouth to say something. Yet the electricity flowing within my veins blocked the words. I sighed; it didn’t help. I couldn’t help but notice the handsome pair of hazel green eyes staring deep into my very own.

”Is there anything wrong here?” the lad in the gardai uniform came to my rescue. He was looking at me inquisitively. I detected a slight irritation with his voice. “Shane, are you all right? This girl’s giving you headache?” he suddenly asked Mr. Bum.

“No, we’re okay Matt,” so the guy with the most amazing butt was named Shane? But irritation came back upon hearing that comment from Matt the policeman.

“What are you trying to imply? That I caused all of this? That I was the one to blame? F.Y.I., I was the one who nearly got killed here! You should be asking if I am okay!” I fumed. I was now close to tears realizing that this foreign land is taking advantage of me. I hated it!

I pushed Shane away and run to the other side of the street. I walked towards a parked cab and asked the driver if he could bring me back to my hotel. I didn’t notice that the pair of hazel green eyes was following my trail. I felt so frustrated.

*****

"Where did you go? We're supposed to be meeting in the cafe?" It was already six in the evening and Angela was questioning me over the phone. I am back in my hotel room but I still can't forget the Shane guy who now I accept is very charming. "I went there and I didn't see you. I saw Shay there, if you didn't go, you could've talked to him before your scheduled interview. He's nice; I got a few autographs. Hey, are you there?" she called out from the other line.

"Yeah, I got to go, Ang. I'll see you tomorrow. Are you coming with me to interview Westlife?" I asked, not really in myself.

"Of course, you've asked that a thousands of times. I am going with you; I don't wanna miss this chance! Bye!" she hung up. I threw the phone back into its cradle and went into the bathroom. I needed a hot relaxing bath. I slid off my last clothing and went into the bathtub. "Ah! great," I was already drifting, relaxing the way I should after that bad morning.

Ring.... ring.... Damn, that's my mobile. Who could be calling me? I grabbed a towel and went inside the bedroom. Damn, its BMG Ireland calling. Nice timing huh?

"Hullo?" I said, returning to the bathroom. I went bath to the tub and threw the towel off the floor.

"Is this Ms. Hombre?" a man's soft voice, which clearly has an Irish accent, asked. I closed my eyes and try to relax as I talk to this guy.

"Yup, speaking,"

"Hey, this is Anto Byrne. Can you come in our office now? You can interview the lads in an hour. We'll be flying to Dresden tomorrow and we can't fit you in the schedule. So we'll wait for you in an hour, I guess. If you can't make it, I'm sorry but we'll be back on the 23^rd, in time for the lads' Christmas hols," he paused dramatically, "So we'll see you in an hour. Okay? Bye!" with that he hung up.

I made a very sudden jolt up. My face turning beetroot and my eyes are furious. This is nightmare! I made a quick shower to get off all the soap in my skin. I was practically tumbling off my bedroom as I dressed up. "Oh, fuck!" Nightmare! I put on a pair of faded moss green jeans and an off white tank top. My proud Nike rubber shoes weren't that proud anymore, "Ah, whatever!" I said as I noticed the dirt in it. I grabbed my knapsack and went out. "Oooopppssss," I was about to ride on the lift when I remembered, it's December here... it's freezing outside! Damn! I went back into my room and grabbed my jacket by the drawer. I saw my mini tape recorder on top of my baggage, "I almost forgot!" I sounded really irritated. I snatched the recorder and put it in my bag. From the table, I heard my mobile beeped a couple of times and it died out, the battery is empty. "Fuck," was the last curse I muttered before I closed the door and head straight to BMG's office.

******

The office was kinda small compare to our office back in Manila. Framed pictures and posters of BMG's artists lined up the hallway. Westlife's multi-platinum award was displayed on a corner... "Like a shrine or something," I mocked silently. My jacket was wet from the snow outside and my hair (which I tied up to a pony tail) looked a bit messier than always.

"May I help you, ma'am?" A small lady in a pink overcoat smiled at me. Her chopped blonde locks gave an impression of a punk teenager, although, her face wouldn't pass for a teenager.

"I'm looking for Mr. Anto Byrne. Is he around?" I asked politely. She looked at me for a while and frowned.

"He's not here anymore. He doesn’t usually go here. May I know why?" she sounded friendly but her eyes showed something like I'm a stupid girl not to know Mr. Byrne's not here.

"No, I mean, no… I mean... he told me to go here," I explained. This is getting me nowhere. "Can you just like call him and tell him Ms. Hombre is here. He called me from this office. The number in my mobile phone can prove it!" I was rather panicky. Then I remembered my mobile's out of battery. I was shaken.

A familiar voice from behind called out, "Hey, Ms. Hombre? Ms. Mary Gay Hombre? Anto told me to wait for you. There has been a change of plan," he said. I felt blood rose to my face again and turned around abruptly to scare the hell out of this guy.

"What ----" I froze. It was the owner of the greatest behind, Mr. Shane something! "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked. The girl behind me froze in terror with my tone.

"You?" he smiled. "Hi, small world err... I'm Shane," he offered a hand.

"I know that, you idiot! You nearly killed me earlier. And what are you doing here?" I demanded an answer. My fists are closed tightly on my sides. The night is just starting and I can't let this guy ruin my night anymore... he did much chaos in the morning.

His million-mega-watt smile was on again, the girl in pink giggled. I gritted my teeth.  "Hi, I'm Shane Filan. I am asked to bring you to the airport with us," he said coolly.

"Airport?"

"Oh, he didn't inform you? Oh, yeah, as I said, there has been a change of plan. We were to go to Dresden tonight and Anto was concerned that you wouldn't like the idea of us delaying your interview again. So, he said he'll give you full access to all our shows and you can interview us every time you wanted, except when we're asleep, though. You know, something like saying sorry for all the crap we put you in. I personally liked that idea now," he held out his hand again and grabbed mine. "C'mon. We have to get your things, too. We wouldn't want to be late, right?" he asked.

"Wait," I jerked off my hand, "Are you telling me I am going with you in Dresden and in all other places you are suppose to go?" I asked. I was confused.

"Yeah, exactly. It will be a great report to bring to your editor right? Exclusive all access pass to Westlife," he mused.

He was right, my editor would be so proud of me when it happens. I'd be promoted perhaps, but then, this guy is Shane Filan. I am such a fool not recognizing this face. He's all over Ireland. Nevertheless, he's the one who nearly got me killed. I'll be stuck with him? Oh no! "Okay, I'll have to get my passport first and my clothes in my hotel. I'll just go to the airport, where is that again?" I asked.

"Nope, I'll go with you in your hotel and we'll go to the airport together," He held up two airline tickets, "I have our plane tickets. Anto and the other lads are already on air. I'm left because I still have to pick a veterinarian for one of my horses who's sick and I still have to pick you up," he grabbed my hand and waved good bye to the pink punk lady.

******

This is nightmare! If I am having karma, please God, not here, with this guy. I hate him as much as I like to be near him. I couldn't be having a stupid crush on this guy. Firstly, he almost kicked me off the road - I could've gotten killed; then he's in Westlife, the band who's always canceling my interview; and yeah... he's in Westlife, he's rich, famous and yeah… out of reach.

His car was amazing, like I'm transported to the future when a little push the button here and we'll be flying off the ground to the air. Of course, we're not flying, just that this car - his BMW 3 series - was very impressive. We were on the way to the airport.

Earlier, as we were in the lobby and was checking out of the hotel, Shane was beside me. Everybody seemed to be looking in my direction with a questioning smirk on their faces, it was very uneasy. But then Shane felt this and gave my hand a soft squeeze, "Don't mind them," he had whispered into my ear. That gesture made me uneasy, I tell yah!

"You're quiet. Anything wrong?" he suddenly asked breaking the silence.

"Oh, nothing. I mean, it's so nice of Anto to give me this chance. I mean, this is like a scoop. I could be having this interviews when other reporters are piling up to schedule one," I said, still uneasy being beside him. What the heck is wrong with me?!!!

"Actually, I suggested it," he confessed.

"You? Why?"

"Nothing. I don't know, I just felt like 'we could be giving this lady a hell of time waiting for us.' Besides, we couldn't really schedule you in between all the rush, so I thought 'give her all access pass, she wouldn't mind following us.' Is it true? Am I right? You wouldn't mind it?" It was a red light and Shane was looking straight into my eyes. I felt a lump inside my throat and I couldn't answer back. His hazel green eyes were intently staring back at me. I felt little Mickey Mouse running inside my stomach. I was beginning to get nervous.

"Ummm.... yeah... I mean, I do. I mean, I don't mind," I struggled. I was relieved when the lights turned green and Shane's attention went back on the road.

We fell silent once again.

******

"Can you stay here and I'll check on the flight?" We were at the airport and some fans managed to ask Shane some autographs. He didn't decline anyone. As soon as he signed the last paper, Shane went to check our flight. It's already 9 pm. I'm quite hungry.

I nodded to him.

Dublin Airport was crowded, maybe because Christmas is so near. A girl in a pigtail was running around the hallways asking her dad for a candy. Her dad shook his head all the time. A bunch of teenage boys were laughing noisily in the waiting area. A stewardess, from an aircraft that landed few minutes ago, was busy kissing her boy friend. An old couple were holding hands whilst buying a coffee in the coffee machine.

I looked at my watch; it's 5 am in the Philippines. I missed my family. I missed my nieces and nephews at home. It's almost Christmas; I shouldn't be here. I pulled out my now fully charged mobile and texted my sister, Sheryll: hey girl, I'm off to Germany with Westlife. I'm in Dublin Airport. Please tell mom I'll still be home for Christmas.

Shane's now beside me, "I didn't see you coming," I told him. I put my mobile back to my bag. He handed quarter pounder burger and a drink from Mc Donald's. My stomach gave loud thanks. He smiled. "Thanks," I said.

"So, tell me. Aside from 'you came from Manila', what else is there to know about you?" he asked.

"What?" I asked in between bites. "Sorry, I was really hungry." I nearly puked when I tasted the lettuce in the burger. "Oooopppssss, sorry," He handed a tissue and I wiped off the mess on my mouth. I was gross, I knew.

"Oh, so you don't like lettuce huh? I don't like broccoli," he was having a simple conversation with me.

I smiled, "Actually, I don't like vegetables. I detest them," I confessed. I opened the burger and took off all the veggies in it. "Sorry, I'm messy," I apologised.

"Nah. It’s okay. You're cute. You look very cute," I blushed.

"Stop it. Do you know what cute means?" I asked still blushing a little. "It means ugly little creature. Do I look like a creature?" I asked smiling.

"Nah! You don't look like a leprechaun. You're still bearable," he teased.

We laughed.

"I'm better looking than a leprechaun? But I've got no gold in my pot," I said. I sipped in the drink; it was lemonade. How did he know I like lemonades?

"Oh, you have. You are the gold itself. A precious thing, a jewel that could be polished to a proud shine," he muttered staring into me once again. I felt the time had stopped and all things perished but Shane. He was few inches away from me and I can smell the lovely aftershave he's wearing. My eyes blinked several times behind my glasses, and my heart never skipped a beat. At once, I thought he would kiss me but then I heard him saying, "C'mon, our flight's on." I was embarrassed to myself.

*****

The flight to Dresden was completely silent. I was weighing things; did he notice that I was like waiting to be kissed? Damn fool! Why am I like this? Aww... maybe everybody falls for his charm, he wouldn't be in a boy band if he weren’t charming.

The air hostess told us we’d be landing in Germany in 15 minutes. I glanced at Shane beside me. He was really handsome. His face was very smooth. His lips was so red.... thin and elegant. His eyes were hiding some mystical powers inside it and his chin, it was lovely.... that deep cleft in it. It was a perfect face. Lovely, but he's a star. He lives and pays to have those good looks. His was a face everyone dreams to own; everyone wants to hold, to caress. Maybe I was one of them... I am one of them. Just dreaming.

"You all right?" he suddenly turned catching me staring at him.

I looked away to the aircraft's window and shook my head, "Nothing, Shane. I'm all right," I said.

Now, my real nightmare is beginning. Am I falling for this guy? Oh, what a nightmare!

******

"Hi, are you Gay?" Anto was asking me, smiling. He offered his hand.

"You can't ask her if she's gay or what, Anto. That would be rude," Bryan exclaimed, secretly winking at my direction.

 I laughed. "Yeah, my name is Gay," I answered. "And no, it's okay to ask if I'm gay. I don't mind, I'm not," I laughed. I accepted Anto's greetings. Bryan then hugged me, and everybody followed him. I felt I'm so welcome here. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shane leaning by the door. He was looking at me intently. Suddenly, he smiled.

"Well, Gay. You can ask the guys anything, anytime okay. Don't be threatened by these cheeky lads, they can tame themselves," Anto assured me. He turned and walked out of the room.

"We better go, too. Do you wanna come, we'll be playing pool downstairs," Nicky asked.

"Nah thanks. I'll catch up with you guys later. I need to rest,"

"Okay, see yah later then," Kian said bye.

The lads all went out, I dropped myself on the bed. I noticed a pair of hazel green eyes still watching me.    "Shane?" I was completely taken aback. "What are you still doing here?" I asked, sitting up.

"I don't know. I want to stay here with you rather than play with those crazy lads. I don't mean that in a bad way ha?" he sat beside me and whispered, "I want to know you better, Gay."

I felt cold shiver run down my spine. What is the matter with this guy? "Shane, I'm tired. I needed to take a nap,” I lied. “You want me to interview you now?” I joked.

Shane laughed. “I could answer some questions,” he replied still smiling. He sat beside me and placed a pillow on his lap. He was looking down at it, smiling shyly. I watched him stroked the cushion with his fingers. I was few inches away with this pin-up, and he seemed to be so real.

I felt the room is suffocating me. I stood up and went over to the window. The view outside was breathtaking. The vast garden below struck a seam of unadulterated rustic charm. It was a walled garden, were more than a quarter of a million shrubs, bushes and flowers, as well as about a thousand box trees were planted. “D’you ever wish you’re not famous? Just a complete normal person?” I asked, lost in a trance. I sighed as a flock of birds flew out of nowhere.

Soon he was beside me watching the birds. I felt his hands touched mine. “Quite frankly, I don’t. This is what I’ve been wishing for since I was a wee kid. I wanna be famous; I wanna be a star, but at the same time I’d like to have a normal lifestyle. But I know it’s not going to happen,” he paused, “Can I ask you something?” he whispered behind me ear. I felt goosebumps all over my skin. I nodded, moving away a little. “D’you ever thought of falling in love with a famous person?” he asked, repeating my words.

I turned around and found myself face to face with him. He’s still holding my hands, I felt cold shiver run down my spine. I jerked my hands from his hold and walked to the door. “I need to rest now, Shane. You should go,” the doorknob seemed to be icy cold, or is it just my hand? “And no, I don’t want to be smitten by a famous person. In fact, I don’t want to fall in love at all. I like my life now, I’m satisfied with it,” I said opening the door.  

He walked out slowly. I sighed as I closed the door behind him. This is indeed a horrendous dream. Could somebody wake me up?

******

“I told you I’m in Germany. I don’t know, it happened so fast. I’ll tell you everything once I get back,” I waited for Angela’s reply and closed the mobile phone. I can barely hear her, the crowd was so deafening, so overly keyed up.

It was eight in the evening here in the Top of the Pops studio. The lads were all set to perform Imaginary Diva and some news songs. Mark was especially in joie de vivre; well, it’s explainable cos his lovely diva, Mariah, is here and is flirting with everyone. Meanwhilst, Bryan had to go back to Ireland after getting a call from his mom, Mairead. Kerry was rushed to the hospital again cos of her meningitis.

I have to wait with the audience, as I didn’t get a pass backstage. Ya know, there are loads of stars there… a lot don’t want some stupid reporters roaming around.

“Ireland’s chart rockers… welcome Westlife!” the host announced. Suddenly a thunder of screams erupted and I thought the whole studio had broke down as every girls stood up to have a clear glimpse on the pop idols. I can’t believe all of these, it’s crazy.

I can barely hear what the lads are singing. Well, it doesn’t matter to all the devotees as they already learned by heart from their CDs what those voices have to offer. I stood up and started for the exit. This whole hubbub is giving me goosebumps. I can’t believe they can take all these screeches and everything. God!

“Can I just say something?” suddenly, my mind is beckoning my body to turn around. Shane was in front and was holding the microphone up. “Bryan isn’t here cos he has to go to Kerry,” he paused, “I can’t help but feel green about it, aren’t you, lads?” he turned around and nodded at the rather amused Kian, Nicky and Mark. Shane glanced around the audience; I felt his stare for a split second but then I felt it bore hole inside my heart. He was looking at the crowd now, “I would like to dedicate this next song to the woman I like to love… the woman who can fill this big hollow in my heart… I know you’re there somewhere, hopefully, you’ll know sooner that we’re meant for each other,” he closed his eyes and started singing…

“There is no reasons you should feel like this
I know that I am the only one to blame
I feel your agony it's hidden in your kiss
I don't believe that things are said and done
I only hope there's still time to be the one
We can work it out, if only you let me”

He was singing with his eyes closed. I feel the crowd disappeared before us. Was he singing it for me? I felt my knees were about to tumble; I leaned on the wall behind me.

“Whatever you say whatever you do
There will be good times waiting for you
Whatever you hear I won't disappear
I promise you that
 I promise you that

I felt eyes studying me, I opened my own and found eye to eye with him. My heart is racing inside my chest. I can hardly hear the screaming and the shouting… all I can heed to is the music and the beat of my heart. I can’t take this… I summed up all my energy and run outside the studio. ‘No, I won’t fall for him! No, I won’t,’ my mind lied.

“I never said that I could change the world
But if you gave me the chance that I deserve....

            The music faded behind me...

****

“So, do you have anything to say to all your Filipino fans?” I asked as I checked my micro cassette recorder, which lay unobtrusively on the bedside table. I looked at the lads sitting in front of me. We were at my hotel room, it was a beautiful Monday morning and I am just about to finish my scheduled interview with them. It was quite a laugh to interview these cute boys, as they always make fun of each other.

Shane was sitting on the carpet and was cuddling a pillow on his lap. He was naively examining the pillow. I watched him intently as the rest of the lads answer my last question. He looked as though he was somewhere else. He looked distant, to be exact. Maybe he felt somebody’s staring, that he looked up and caught my gaze. “Are you okay?” I mouthed, hoping the other lads didn’t notice I wasn’t listening. He smiled and nodded and continued to cuddle the pillow.

I saw Nicky switched off my recorder; I felt hot blood in my cheeks.  “Run out of tape, dear,” he smiled. I sighed. Ah, I thought they noticed I wasn’t actually listening.

“Well, it’s okay. You’ve answered all my questions. Thanks guys. Actually, I can go back home now. My job’s finished,” I said. I stood up and gather my recorder.

Nicky got to his feet and tapped my shoulder. “Don’t tell us you’re going home. Girl, I can’t believe you’re not having fun here. C’mon, don’t be a deutz,” he smiled. Kian followed and was now beside me. He grabbed the recorder from my hand and threw it to Mark. “She can’t go without that right?” he smiled mischievously. Mark beamed broadly and put the micro cassette in his jacket’s pocket.

“C’mon you guys!” I seized the space between us and tried to snatch the recorder from Mark. He backed off quickly, laughing.

“You have to promise to stay. Well, at least until Christmas, you’ll stay with us,” Mark said, still laughing. Kian and Nicky joined in the mirth. I was also laughing gleefully as I tried to lunge for Mark. He moved away quickly and threw the recorder on to Nicky, as I was about to plunge forward once more.

Shane stood up all at once and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. We all stopped and looked at the shut door. I turned and looked at the lads skeptically. “I think you should talk to him. You have to tell him everything, Gay. It wouldn’t work unless you talk,” Kian was suddenly serious. His eyes were worried, “C’mon, do it.”

“Kian, what the hell are you talking about? What are we going to talk about? There’s nothing to say… nothing!” I said nervously, “Why should I talk to him. He’s a weirdo. He’s… he’s… I don’t know,” I paced around the room, stopping a little to massage me forehead.

“Gay, stop it. Let it go!” Kian added.

“What?!!! Kian,” I turned and looked at Mark and Nicky who were standing still by the window. “You can’t be saying that I am Shane’s dilemma. Are you?” I fumed.

“Yes! Exactly!” Nicky hollered back, “Do you think we don’t know what’s happening between you two? Gay, we’re not idiots! Ever since he met you outside Carlton Café, he’s been like that. Harassing us that if we don’t take you along here in Germany, he would not go with us at all! Volunteering that he should drag you out of your hotel room, if ever you don’t want to go. I tell ya, Gay. He’s nuts about you! Now tell me if aren’t with him?” he finished off.

My mouth fell open as I heard these sentences.  “But… how? Why?” I tried to ask but my heart was pounding heavily in my chest.   I buried my face in my hands and sat down at the foot of the bed. I was dumbfounded.

Mark bent over and took my hands from my face. He led my eyes to look at him. “Tell us, do you love him?” he asked looking strait into my eyes.

I stood up quickly and paced again, “I can’t… I can’t Mark… I can’t… he’s way out of my reach,” I sobbed.

“No, try it. Just try,” Kian said.

*****

The music was melodious. There were only few people here chilling out. I glanced around the spacious room. There were small round tables at the far right of the place. Adjacent to it was the grand piano. A lady in a purple garb was playing a classical tune. Her little head was tilted a bit as she played along with her eyes closed.

It’s not a crowded-strident-kind of pub, but rather a nice place to chill out. I saw him by the bar, holding a glass in his hand. His face was already red. I moved towards him, sighing heavily. I can do this… I thought. As I get closer, I saw he drank the last drop, eyes closed. Damn, he looks gorgeous! His black silky polo shirt was buttoned imperfectly. His chest peaking out of the shirt vividly. I can see the hairs lined up wildly.

“Drinking hard?” I sat next to him. My heart was beating intensely, for a moment I thought it has shattered my ears. He looked up from his glass and smiled at me. He’s not drunk, I guessed.

“Why are ya here? I thought you were going? You were leaving me, right? Why bother to go here?” he asked and poured another vodka in his glass. His expression seemed far-off.

“Why can’t you tell me what you feel, Shane?” I felt a lump inside my throat. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be bringing this up. This is not me, but how can I make this right? Damn you, Shane!

“Because in the first place, why should I tell you what I feel when I know I you don’t feel the same,” he whispered to his glass. I asked the bartender to get me lemonade. I tried to snatch the glass in his hands but he quickly jerked it away. “Go away! Who needs ya in here?” he uttered silently.

“Who needs me in here? Shane, you need me here,” I pointed out. He slowly gazed at me and glowered. “Shane, look… I need ya to tell me something. Please,” I begged.

The frown on his face seemed to intensify. For a moment, I hesitated. “If you’re asking me why am I like this. Please don’t flatter yourself,” he scolded. He got up from his feet, tossed a few euro bills in the table and walked out of the bar.

I followed.

“Shane, if you’re afraid telling me,” I grabbed his shoulders harshly. “Then take this,” I clutched his face and lowered it to mine. “I love you,” I murmured and pulled him into a kiss.

The world seemed to stop as he moved his lips into mine. The kiss was feather-light. I thought I was drowning, but then I realized as we run out of breath and let go, I realized that I just plucked out the strain in my heart. I realized I really love him. I do… and it feels good.

Shane smiled and held my head up, “Are you sure?” he asked timidly.

“Damn you, Shane. Do you know what you just did to my ego?” I said laughing. “Yeah, I am sure. I love you,” I smiled.

“Then I love you, too. Ever since we first met. And forever until I breathe my last breath,” Tenderly he kissed me again, letting his tongue slide through my open lips, “I love you, babe,” he said in between kisses.

******

            “What the heck happened to you?” my boss was beaming as I handed out the article about Westlife. Christmas is just two days away. It was 9 am in the Philippines and 1 am in Ireland. I don’t really care what time is it in both countries, all I know is I am the happiest woman in the world.  Shane and his family will be here for Christmas, and I can’t wait any longer.

            I smiled at him sweetly and shrugged my shoulders, “Boss, you’re the best. Thank you so much.” I handed out a small green leprechaun paper weigh for him, “this is for you… for a moment I thought I look like this creature but you know, I’m still bearable.” He looked flabbergasted as I waved him goodbye.

            He glanced at the papers I gave him… The title of article explains it all… How I fall in love with Shane Filan… and this is not an ordinary fan story!

THE END…