This must've been the nth time that Jenna
tried closing her eyes hoping that slumber would soon come; so far she's
failing. 'It could be the weather,'
she thought. Every afternoon is a struggle to keep cool as the air (taking into
consideration the air conditioning unit that needs cleaning) becomes too humid.
Nonetheless, was it really the air that's keeping her thoughts wide awake? She
would be lying if she would believe that.
"You will never be replaced..." these words reverberated silently on her mind. It was meant to
be a joke but she wanted to really believe that Jared meant it.
They just got back to speaking terms again a
few weeks ago. It was last Christmas when they had their "falling
apart" phase. It lasted for two months mainly because they both have
pride; no one would bulge in to break the silence. Best Friends' falling apart
should've been nothing because everyone knew it won't last and could be just a
silly thing. Though for Jenna and Jared, it's far more complicated than that.
Platonically, it's just too complex.
She's big on expectation setting; he's always failing on that
department. He's far more emotional than any other guy; she's not very
consistent on showing her real emotions. Sometimes, she wonders what would
happen if she just stops thinking; stops analysing and just let it all go?
Would it cause her happiness or would it bring more pain?
Right now, that very thought is haunting her. "It wasn't the weather," she
admitted, "It was the ‘what ifs.’"
There was a time when she almost gave in and
thought of letting it all go – seize the day! She was on the brink of telling
him everything she wanted him to know but with their falling apart comes the
vulnerability of each other’s emotional capacity. For Jenna, it’s him who was
weak.
Elise had asked her, one fine Saturday morning;
typical bonding time in the House of Quality, “What is it with Jared and
Lhorie?” Lhorie is a mutual friend, a colleague. She has been with the group
for few months already; though she’s always the type who would choose to be in
the backseat – almost the shy type, as they’d say. However, for the past few
weeks that Jenna’s been transferred to a different site, she’d hear stories
about Lhorie shedding the façade. It was told that she’s actually the complete
opposite of what she’s displaying. She would go with any guy, who showed
interest, bed them and move on. Elise’s question roused suspicion.
“Why?” she asked.
“I dunno. They seem too close for comfort.
Lhorie’s always with him. She would always change her schedule so they can have
lunch together, go home together. She cooked packed lunch for him.”
“I don’t really know, Elise. I didn’t even
want to talk to him, remember?”
That one innocent question made her doubt all
of Jared’s intentions back when they were still “too close for comfort.” Was
the friendship real or he just used it to manipulate her trusty heart? Is the
phrase “more than friends, less than lovers’ still suit? Or was he really just
an opportunist? Does that mean they’d never been good as friends as he’s always
had an agenda?
"You will never be replaced..."
What does that mean?
She needs to move on; she knows she needs to move
on. She needs to close this chapter in her life and start living it as she
should be. She couldn’t just wait for the moment when he realized that she does
mean something to him.
She picked up her blackberry, thought about
the one thing that she wanted to ask him months ago. If her closure would start
with acceptance, then so be it. She needed to let go of all the ambiguities
before she could start moving on.
‘Jared, I need to clear out something… free to talk tonight?’
She hit send and waited for his reply.
